Today was a bittersweet day. A difficult day to get through. It was my Ronnie's birthday. He turned 20. He is my youngest and has taken delight in letting me know that I am no longer the mom of a teenager. Then in addition to that, it is the first anniversary of my daddy's death. It doesn't seem possible that he's been gone for a whole year. So while the 5 of us that he left here have struggled to get through this year of firsts, he has finally had his first year with no pain. The ending to my father's life was not pleasant and we have tried to focus on the fact that he is now free, that he has been released from the body he was trapped in, we still want him back. Of course we don't want him the way he was during these last years, but is anyone ever ready for their dad to die? I know that we weren't. I was a little different than my sisters but only because I have first-hand knowledge of the pain my dad had. It was terrible, but there were days when my dad and I were having a hard day, filled with aches and pains.
So as I looked at my daddy, saw the shape his body was in, I knew I had to push aside what I wanted. Of course we want our dad's to always be a part of your life, but I knew that to keep my dad here on earth was the wrong thing for him. He had been through so much, that to let him peacefully and with dignity was the right thing to do for him. Doesn't mean that I don't miss him. That I don't wish I could hear his voice again, hear him make a joke. I do. What I wouldn't give to have that. But that would mean he would have to be back in a body that didn't work. He would be tired and in pain and I can't bring that back on him.
So I've struggled. I laughed a little. I cried but out of sight of my son. My son who with no care for himself told my mother that he could not bear to keep his grandpa alive for one more day. He became such a man in my eyes that day. He was so strong and sure of himself. He is just like his Grandpa. No nonsense, not emotional, or sentimental. He has my dad's confidence and superiority. In some ways it's just like living with my dad again. Some days that are a blessing and some days it just intensifies the pain. Overall I think it's helped.
I love you Ronnie. For all that you are. The way you carry yourself is amazing. I am so proud to be your mom.
I love you Dad. I miss you every day. I smile at some of your pictures and cry at others. I talk to you, out loud and in my head. I love you daddy. "Rest easy Daddy, we'll take care of momma".
