A Bittersweet Day

Today was a bittersweet day. A difficult day to get through. It was my Ronnie's birthday. He turned 20. He is my youngest and has taken delight in letting me know that I am no longer the mom of a teenager. Then in addition to that, it is the first anniversary of my daddy's death. It doesn't seem possible that he's been gone for a whole year. So while the 5 of us that he left here have struggled to get through this year of firsts, he has finally had his first year with no pain. The ending to my father's life was not pleasant and we have tried to focus on the fact that he is now free, that he has been released from the body he was trapped in, we still want him back. Of course we don't want him the way he was during these last years, but is anyone ever ready for their dad to die? I know that we weren't. I was a little different than my sisters but only because I have first-hand knowledge of the pain my dad had. It was terrible, but there were days when my dad and I were having a hard day, filled with aches and pains.

So as I looked at my daddy, saw the shape his body was in, I knew I had to push aside what I wanted. Of course we want our dad's to always be a part of your life, but I knew that to keep my dad here on earth was the wrong thing for him. He had been through so much, that to let him peacefully and with dignity was the right thing to do for him. Doesn't mean that I don't miss him. That I don't wish I could hear his voice again, hear him make a joke. I do. What I wouldn't give to have that. But that would mean he would have to be back in a body that didn't work. He would be tired and in pain and I can't bring that back on him.

So I've struggled. I laughed a little. I cried but out of sight of my son. My son who with no care for himself told my mother that he could not bear to keep his grandpa alive for one more day. He became such a man in my eyes that day. He was so strong and sure of himself. He is just like his Grandpa. No nonsense, not emotional, or sentimental. He has my dad's confidence and superiority. In some ways it's just like living with my dad again. Some days that are a blessing and some days it just intensifies the pain. Overall I think it's helped.

I love you Ronnie. For all that you are. The way you carry yourself is amazing. I am so proud to be your mom.

I love you Dad. I miss you every day. I smile at some of your pictures and cry at others. I talk to you, out loud and in my head. I love you daddy. "Rest easy Daddy, we'll take care of momma".

I am an author, for the reallies!!!!

My Book is for sale at Barnes & Noble (bn.com) and Amazon.com.

 

I just typed the words. I typed in my own name on the Barnes & Noble web site. I google'd myself.

 

I

Typed

My

Own

Name

At Barnes and Noble and a book popped up! A real book. My book. My life. My heart is beating fast and my hands are shaking. Suddenly I am not tired at all. I want to call my mom and tell her to go look. The problem is it's 1:17 in the morning. So it's 3:17 in TX….

I am usually filled with words. My emotions that seem to tumble out of my soul and onto paper aren't there right now. How ironic is that? I have a book full of words and yet I can't find the right ones to express what this feels like. Almost light headed. Writing about my feelings is what I do, yet I'm not sure what it is. I clicked on the cover and saw my name there. My Name. I went and woke Ron up. My "crutch" is not alcohol or cigarette's; no mine is diet coke. So I sit here chugging diet coke and I keep clicking on the Barnes & Noble tab, like I dunno, will it disappear? Is it true?

It is true. I think my conflict is that my dad can't see it. I can't show it to him on a laptop. I will never hold the actual book up for him and show him what his daughter did. I sit in the quiet and try and hear his voice. Imagine him saying "that's good". One of the last conversations my daddy and I had was in the dead of night. Watching a western. We were talking about the book I'm writing about his journey and he asked why I was doing that and I said cause I'm so happy to have you and he looked at me and said "I'm proud to have you as my daughter".

We just took about a 10 minute break for me to sit and look at the cover and cry. My dad was not a mushy, touchy feely kind of man. He hardly ever said sorry. So those words will live in my heart as long as I am breathing. But what I wouldn't trade to have him back, to see the grin. Even to see a tear roll down his face. Towards the end of his life, he wouldn't hold his emotions so tightly in check.

My mother tells me how proud "they" are. She still speaks of them. She tells me how proud she is. She says I have the strength and courage that my daddy had; to put my soul out there. My mom is a great writer herself, but she says she has never had the strength to do it.

 

So here's to you Daddy. To the strength and bravery you demonstrated those last two years of your life.

 

And here's to you mama. For always knowing what to say. For showing me your strength and bravery every day since daddy passed. For breaking that first rule of parenting; for being my friend.

Roller Coaster anyone?

Oh my, I am just such an UNHAPPY freakin' camper! How is it that I get an email detailing that my books have shipped, complete with shipping charges but no tracking information….so I email them asking for a tracking number. I wait a respectable amount of hours and then I call them.

Yes, I called them and politely ask for a tracking number. So, it seems that no, my books have not shipped. It seems they might not even be completely printed (the hardback doesn't just make itself apparently). Bottom line? They say it could be as much as 2 to 3 weeks….I would have been irritated with 2 to 3 days, but weeks? Seriously? Then what exactly was the point of sending me an email? I think they should understand that it doesn't matter that it took me 30 years to write the stuff, I did my part and I have to wait another 2 to 3 weeks? This is like telling a pregnant woman that she'll have to carry the baby an extra 2 to 3 months. I realize I am not the only author they are dealing with, but I'm the most impatient author they are probably dealing with. I wanted to tell them "ok, well, let's see, you send me an email with an order #, shipping charges, product details but the product won't be ready for 2 to 3 weeks? Then what the hell was the point of the email? At this point I just want to tell the guy, "Ok buddy, it would be in your best interest to bump me to the top of the list". Now, I know, that isn't fair to the other author's, but like I said, I am probably the most impatient one. So, after all that, he says "I tell you what, call back late next week and maybe I'll have a tracking number for you". Honestly, I'm really irritated. Did I mention that? When I call Ron to tell him, he says "oh, then why did they send you that email?" "Exactly, that's what I was thinking" I said.

I have decided that this publishing business is a roller coaster ride. I think this is the up part; kind of dread it, it takes forever going up, but there is none of the rush on the down part like I've had the last few days. So all I can do is sit with, stewing in my R.I. (righteous indignation) and wait. Hey, I know, perhaps I should write a poem about waiting for a book of poems? It's a thought.

Too excited to sleep!!

Word is getting out! My friends are posting my link on their pages and asking their friends to visit my "Inside a Girl's Heart" FB page! Slowly but surely, people are viewing the page. Thank you all so much for your help and support. I really appreciate it.

"Inside a girl's Heart" is my collection of poems I've written since the age of 13. From my first love to becoming a wife and mom. Whenever anything would trouble me or make me sad or angry, I would write about it. There are poems in there about feeling helpless, poems about my friends and the troubles they were having in their lives. But it's all written in the first person; as if it were me going through it. Over the years I've watched friends go through things that were causing their hearts great sadness. I have hung up the phone and started writing. This book covers 30 years of life. I usually don't write when I'm happy, so I think the book tends to be on the dark side, covering deep emotional feelings. Some I read and even though it's been years since they were written, I still cry. The most recent are the ones that deal with my dad's struggles as a quadriplegic and his death. Raw emotion splattered on a piece of pater.

I keep checking my book status online; they have made the thumbnail of the book cover to use on web sites such as Barnes & Noble and Amazon.com. They are submitting the book to search engines and preparing promotional material such as bookmarks and postcards. I'm going to have to market myself to the smaller book stores.

I know a woman who is a published writer and she writes under a pen name so that no one even knows it's her. She said her family doesn't even know because she doesn't want to deal with them thinking she's writing about her. I'm sure that will happen with some of my poems. There are several poems with people's names right on them. But Ron and I were talking today about people thinking I wrote something about them. I doubt anyone will get them right. But if you think you see yourself in one; feel free to email and ask. I'll let you know if you were my inspiration!

Finally!!!!

I got an email that my galley's are on their way! Galleys, as I have learned are author proofs of the book! So one copy of my paperback and hardback are on their way…..now the hard part is going to be waiting for the mailman every day!

 

Just wanted to share really quick! On to more marketing. Will post more later today!

Outside my comfort zone!

Today was a difficult day for me. I did a lot of online research. A lot of reading, which isn't an issue since I love to read. Setting up different pages and accounts. A lot of passwords. Sheesh, each page has different criteria when creating passwords.

The most difficult thing for me was asking for help. I am the one to call if you need something. When it comes to asking for help for myself, not so much. I am sending messages to people on my FB page, asking them to send the link to their friends. Word of mouth advertising. So I am "tooting" my own horn. Not very good at that! Awkward. Feels really strange. I just hope that people are willing to help me. This is such a major deal in my life. I didn't really realize how important this is to me. It's been a lifetime of work. I want to succeed. In order to do that, I have to learn new things, step outside the box. Now that it's a reality, I find that I want to push to get the word out. For so many years, whenever anyone would say "you need to publish these" my reply would be "who really cares about my life"? But asking my younger nephews and nieces to help me, I realize that maybe I really can help someone. Maybe reading that I felt alone will help someone else realize they are just going through a phase. Maybe when someone reads that there was a time I thought that there wasn't anything to live for, they will realize that they aren't the only ones who want to give up. Is it hard to know that now everyone will know that I felt suicidal at one time? Yes, it's embarrassing, but it's reality. Maybe a young girl will read how I felt when I saw my boyfriend with someone else and she will know that someone else really does know how that feels. Maybe it's really not about me at all, but about life and how it hurts at times. I have been given a gift for feeling something and sitting down and writing it out, most times not even thinking, just writing what runs through my head.

So I am half way through my friend list. If you didn't receive a message from me asking for help, you will get one. I just looked at the clock and realized what time it is and I think maybe I will try and get some sleep.

It’s A new day

I'm feeling much better today about things. I decided after my disappointment of yesterday that I would be a more proactive person today. I have been on the computer all day, either putting together my own business plan, or researching business plans. I've also tried to figure out everything that will be involved with shipping my book for my online orders and setting up that PayPal account.

I've set it up so that I can compose blog posts in Word and have it send it directly to my blog. That's a bonus. I've still got to sit down with my husband and go over the things I have gotten lined up. He kind of chuckled at me when he walked by at one point and saw my notebook and said "oh my, you're even taking notes"? I replied that I was glad he found it amusing, but let's see what he thinks when we sit down to go over everything! At one point he said that we weren't going to make any money from the first book so I needed to focus and get the second one finished. He refers to my hopes and dreams as his "retirement fund". He does have a point, since I don't work, I technically could sit around and write all day. But I can't, and he understands that. Lupus is not something you can play around with. Someday I'll give more information about lupus, but right now I am totally focused on my book. I have to run everything by him for a couple of reasons. One; we're partners and two; because of lupus I forget things very easily. Even something as simple as sitting in bed with my laptop is tiring for me. And Lord forbid anything I do involves math, I hate math. Pretty much detest math because I'm terrible at it, and it makes no sense! Do you see numbers in the alphabet? Nooo, there are only letters there. So why are there letters in math? You can't add letters. I don't care how many times my sons have tried to explain it to me; it will never make any sense at all. It's like them trying to convince me (graphs and charts included) that two negatives make a positive. Now this may make some of you think I'm ignorant, but truly, I fail to see how that is possible.

So, if you're done laughing at me I shall grab my notes and go discuss my findings with my husband.

Really, stop laughing, it's not that funny!

Feeling Overwhelmed

I think if I would have known everything that publishing a book entails, I might have re-considered! Wow. So many things I didn't know, or didn't plan for. I didn't anticipate all the financial aspects. I didn't take into consideration what comes AFTER the book is published. To have book sales you have to market the book, bring it to the public's attention. Unless you have a marketing degree or know several public figures that can go out there and spread the word, you need a marketing firm. Fortunately for me, I went to school with a woman who owns her own marketing firm! Bonus for me! She has even offered to reduce her rates. I always say it's not what you know, but who you know. Even with her reduced rates, I forgot that we have several big expenses in the next few months, so I have to put off the marketing. That kind of upsets me, because I've put so much effort into this and I didn't really think it through and plan. In a couple of months I think we can swing it, so I just need to be patient. That's the rub; I am in no way a patient person. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, so this must be the way it's supposed to go.

It's kind of a circle I think. I am going to sell the book through my web site and on Facebook, which means I need to have inventory. But then I need to get the word out about the book in order to sell it. Can't sell books if no one knows the book exists! I didn't take into account that when you set up a PayPal account as a vendor, there are costs associated with that.

My point? If you are considering publishing a book, or having it published, there are so many things to consider. Hopefully I can bring some of them to light to help someone else before they get to the point where I am....frustrated. I will get it all handled, and I'm hopeful it will all fall into place the way it's supposed to!

Wow, I am an author!

I signed my release today and my book is off to the printer! Such an exciting and amazing feeling! So many years of writing all grouped together, in one place. I'm so excited and yet so nervous. My style is not for everyone, so I know I will probably have some haters. I finally decided to do this project at the urging of several great friends, my husband and mother and a stranger. While sitting in "Julie's room" one day while getting a treatment for my lupus, a lady read a couple of my poems and said "you need to publish this. There are probably a lot of girls and women going through these same situations, but they aren't able to put it in words like this. It could really help someone to know that what they are going through, others have gone through. That they aren't alone".  That touched me and made me realize that at the time I wrote some of them, I was really feeling alone. I would have felt a little better knowing I wasn't crazy. But since my poems are really ME, about me or about things my friends were going through, it's so personal. It's like putting my life into the hands of a total stranger. Kind of a weird feeling to be so excited yet knowing that there will be those don't like it. I'm somewhat of a sensitive soul, so the haters will hurt, but it's a risk worth of taking I think if it might help someone realize they aren't the only ones feeling a certain emotion.....sigh...where is my suit of armor?

Revised Proof's are here!

The first thing I notice is that the book has gone from 244 pages down to 192.....ummmm, where did all those pages go? Gosh, is someone editing the book without letting me know? Turns out they forgot that all my poems should start on the right (or "recto" in publishing speak) side. So I sent her an email back and asked that she re-do that part. How do you forget something like that?

I also noticed that they put my LOC control number on the copyright page! How cool. I just searched for myself in the Library of Congress and I don't show up yet! I guess I have to wait for the actual publication....just excited to see it. My Dad is hopefully seeing all this and is proud of me.

So once they fix the interior back to the way it should be, it will be 7 to 10 business days for them to print my first copy and they will send it to me for my review. Once I give my approval, they will start printing and then 7 to 10 days later, I will be selling my first book! Pretty awesome feeling!